Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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