Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
When are your genitals available?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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