Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
