He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
