I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
