WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
