God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
