i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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