I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
