Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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