I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
