I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
