I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Randomize
