My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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