he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
