When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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