I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
