I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
