I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Two words: nipple clamps
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