I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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