so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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