ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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