Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
