so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
