there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
