Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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