She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
