I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
