There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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