A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
