tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
