at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
it glows. i had to have it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
