we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Is it because I queefed?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
