I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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