booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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