phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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