somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
