I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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