i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
