yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
