6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
