I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
