I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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