dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
