dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
A+ Viking dick
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
