the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
