we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
