Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
