Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
