While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
