I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
