I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
