Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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