Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
