he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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